this is the first day of my life

yours if the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy

We've got a house and a bed and a home to always come back to. Autumn is coming but it's like nothing has changed. Wedding fever has turned me into a sapling. I think if I listen to this song any more times, I'm going to start sobbing.

a lover and another lover

are they two parts or a daydream

maybe its wrong but I only want you

we'll never belong but I only want you

that's why im singing a song

What the fuck does 'only' even mean? I go around saying things like that's the only thing I've ever wanted but as soon as I get it, I just want something else. It's a fucking game that I can't win. I've been here a year and I'm still talking to myself in my head. I don't know why I go around trying to prove myself. A struggle to live in the present and the now but what if I never learned how to not glance back or strain forward.

I wish I wasn't so scared of failure. I've become so good at making excuses that I can lie without even flinching.

she's a time bomb

the ticking of her heart is the only sound.

that song has the worst lyrics I've ever heard but it's stuck in my head.

I feel so conflicted right now. I guess I always come back from durham sick (with the flu)and sick (of my life) but this time was different. I know that c has always maintained that happiness is a state of mind/being but it just never sank in. What if my constant state of unease never leaves me? What if I'll never be satisfied with what I have? I'm scared. This is the worst way to live.

It occurred to me that I'm always looking for change because I don't have any self esteem. I have this devastating need to feel better than everyone around me. I'm always competing and comparing. The only reason I spent time with b in the first place was because I wanted to feel like the best asian. Isn't that ridiculous? I wanted to feel prettier and smarter but in the end, it didn't even work. People get all of his asians mixed up. I'm just one of many. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that the only thing I needed from him was to feel special. I shouldn't have to compete. I need to realize that I am really fucking lucky. I'm independent. I've always accomplished whatever I set out to do and I'm loved by my family.

Things like what school you went to and what job you landed are nothing if you're not ultimately happy with yourself. More than anything, I need to realize that I AM unique. I have really great shoes, a big sincere smile, compassion, little feet, all of my body parts, the ability to start a conversation with any stranger, more than one home, a sister that I can share everything with, and most importantly the freedom of choice.

coming home

It's 2011.

2010 can be divided in half. crown heights/baltimore. I want to say I'm happier now, at least I think I am. I learned how to grow up... at least in a financial sense. Even with a sub-par lsat score, I have the kindest support system a girl could ask for. Hopefully june will bring me better luck.

I really loved the last day of 2010 and the first day of 2011. I think that's a good sign.

I went on vacation and smiled a lot.

Resolutions for the new year?

1. figure out grad school.

2. smile/laugh/enjoy more.

3. learn to let go.

4. find the green and bright in everything.

5. spend more time on family.

6. read. knit. write.

7. eat better.

8. travel to europe/go somewhere i've never been.

9. appreciate what I have.

10. come up with a solid future-plan.