formaldehyde

ive started knitting again. bc bbbb is back home in vt... wish I could've gone with.

spending the holidays alone, trying my hardest to change my mindset. what is one day?

i forgot what it feels like to be by myself. i think these past few months have spoiled me.

i hate money.

lsat

in less than an hour.

tight, well supported, substantial.

hang on sloopy sloopy hang on

bmore really is charm city.

working at a steakhouse is brutal.

I feel unaccomplished, but at least I have the boy? hes called butter bean.

we're trying new things. be more things.

like biking, and vegetating, and pickling, and painting, and enjoying not complaining.

yep.

let's hangout

at least I got to say it for a few weeks.

baltimore tomorrow. I need to learn to live in the now.

you never get nervous anymore

the end is close. nine days. bug bites. im confused. reassure me.

we walked among the trees

it was an opportunity

the kind you get once in your life

to leave the past behind

he doesnt look at me the way he used to

I feel desperate, I don't know how to fix this

help me

don't you let me go tonight

I've decided to move. If not now, then when?

My muscles hurt but I'm proud of them.

I'm choosing happiness. How many people have that choice?

Nervous for tomorrow.

make your eyes break

sing it out

make an earthquake

I need a natural disaster to shake me out of this stasis. Ennui.

There are so many things I want. Like a bed frame, treasures chests for my clothes, a purpose, a five year plan, to get nervous and excited and flutters and to cry and mean it, to create, but actually more to create and be acknowledged, to feel pride, to change all my titles, better abs, friends, truth.

When you're little, everyone tells you that you're special, that you're going to be great. But the majority of people are mediocre, just part of the crowd. It's like not wanting to be yellow but to be saffron.

I might be crazy. I might be imagining the disdain.

and the history books forgot about us

and the bible didn't mention us.

really sick right now, I wish you were in bed next to me.

in a week, we'll know about schools and homes.

in eight weeks, i'll be done as long as I stop skipping.

march was good to me/good for us.

made me realize I need to be better.

square peg and round hole

yeah thats what we are becoming.

im making lists to get my life and mind organized. im always making lists because i spend all of my present looking to the future. but really, what is the future. i want to make a timeline of all my birthdays because i think they're very accurate descriptions of change.

20: justin and ben and beer and yakiniku and bright white sunshine in the morning

19: scott and berry pudding and vomit and karas dress and being sick of my body

18: huge pancakes and weed and ignoring my guests and sleeping on the floor

17: limo and liana and top of waikiki and hotel sheets and getting surprised

16: state fair and ferris wheel and truth and presents and deciding about love

15:

haha i cant remember anything before that. everything has such a weird twist to it. like i dropped my hat and somehow found it. and the more i think about it, i never truly lose anything. except for well travis. and i was just thinking about travis, how he was untainted and sincere and i should have loved him more. and then i get a text message : "godd. i love you so muchhhh. you're the best thing to happen to meeee since art" wow. and overlooking the silly spelling, its like something or someone above is always throwing these curveballs at me. like last year, i would just be ready to move on, and then i would get a text message like that. every single time. so whos psychic? what do these signs mean? what am i supposed to say back? i dont know. i want to say something like I NEED YOU. I WANT YOU. I WANT TO SNEAK INTO YOUR BED AND WAKE YOU UP EVERY MORNING. EVERY SINGLE MORNING UNTIL THERE ARE NO MORE MORNINGS LEFT AND 2012 SWALLOWS US AND OUR SINS. but even that would be inadequate. even words, the roots of my being, are not enough to describe anything.

can I call you mine

im a shitty person. thats all.

im just waiting on you

to bring yourself to justice.

i've been really stupid lately. why do i even bother crossing off calendars. all my margins are covered with them. its already six and my homework is untouched. everything still smells like pee. my portfolio is meaningless. my teacher check marked all the ones she think are profound and finished. she picked all the ones about us falling apart.

im guessing we wandered too close to the water

the currents been sweeping us in.

I should cut down my caloric intake

I should go to sleep hungry

and wake up with my guts

knotted up and ears open

like a burnt down hut.

if colors can change, then i can change fate.
i still don't know why i can't sleep.
its nice to be loved though.

yours is a funeral I'd fly to from anywhere.

you stay so

I go I go I go

im tired of being the one that goes. i knotted up the ocean tonight. my comfort is clumped lumps. you know what its like when there's that person who's always undoing all the hard stuff? well you know what its like when you have to learn to live without them? i dont like when it all feels so pointless.

the honey and milk are cold.

rolling around

on kitchen floors.

tie my tongue

with pretty bows

with yours.

the weather gods hate me.

evidently i am sinking deeper

deeper.

i made three color egg. but it wasnt as good as my moms.

im happy where i live, im happy where im going on wednesday, but why cant i shake these nerves? i have a bad feeling something is going to go wrong.

im knitting a green scarf, its beautiful and soft.

the garden that you planted

remains.

everything around me has changed.

im waiting for something

i still remember, there are eyes that stir up

even though frozen unchanging

lights in the distance still flicker

travel

and the boys go on and on

falling from the ceiling of this world.

JEALOUSY

i can see my insides. they are soft. like bloody cottage cheese? that keeps slipping between my fingers. if i can't even hold what is inside me, how can i know what i'm made of, what is mine.

in secret places

we don't fight fair.

someone once told me that i spend too much time dwelling on the past. but this is my look-back-at-the-last-year and will-next-year-be-just-as-great entry. so even though that comment hurt my feelings, im going to delve into the past and write it down for my own sake.

2009 was airports, arguing and avoiding arguments, beliefs, bike knowledge, baking, cream cheese, complaints, dorian, dates, english accents, empty montreal, fitting perfectly together, fried chicken, growing up, getting good, huge sweaters, indecision, june revelations, knitting and knotting, letting go of lonely, murrays, nuzzling, oyster sauce, packages, parks, playlists, poetries about what binds and separates, quick wit, re-evaluating priorities, rhythmless dancing, roadtrips, snow, surprises, text messages, updates, understanding even as corny as that sounds, velociraptors, wandering, wondering, whining too much, w shaped facial hair, zoos

what i'll remember about christmas: sitting at a table where everyone was wearing paper crowns. i got the best present and it was a surprise, the wolf dress is still the most amazing piece of clothing that exists. this also proves i have the best boyfriend.

in a million years, id never have guessed i would have lost all my friends, considered settling down with one person for the rest of my life, be living in brooklyn, have a cat that blatantly prefers me over everyone else and want to not turn twenty one.

either way, its 2010, the start of a new decade.

i havent made any real resolutions.

all i really want is to stay happy. and not get dumped.

(i knocked on wood and im crossing my fingers.)