the garden that you planted

remains.

everything around me has changed.

im waiting for something

i still remember, there are eyes that stir up

even though frozen unchanging

lights in the distance still flicker

travel

and the boys go on and on

falling from the ceiling of this world.

JEALOUSY

i can see my insides. they are soft. like bloody cottage cheese? that keeps slipping between my fingers. if i can't even hold what is inside me, how can i know what i'm made of, what is mine.

in secret places

we don't fight fair.

someone once told me that i spend too much time dwelling on the past. but this is my look-back-at-the-last-year and will-next-year-be-just-as-great entry. so even though that comment hurt my feelings, im going to delve into the past and write it down for my own sake.

2009 was airports, arguing and avoiding arguments, beliefs, bike knowledge, baking, cream cheese, complaints, dorian, dates, english accents, empty montreal, fitting perfectly together, fried chicken, growing up, getting good, huge sweaters, indecision, june revelations, knitting and knotting, letting go of lonely, murrays, nuzzling, oyster sauce, packages, parks, playlists, poetries about what binds and separates, quick wit, re-evaluating priorities, rhythmless dancing, roadtrips, snow, surprises, text messages, updates, understanding even as corny as that sounds, velociraptors, wandering, wondering, whining too much, w shaped facial hair, zoos

what i'll remember about christmas: sitting at a table where everyone was wearing paper crowns. i got the best present and it was a surprise, the wolf dress is still the most amazing piece of clothing that exists. this also proves i have the best boyfriend.

in a million years, id never have guessed i would have lost all my friends, considered settling down with one person for the rest of my life, be living in brooklyn, have a cat that blatantly prefers me over everyone else and want to not turn twenty one.

either way, its 2010, the start of a new decade.

i havent made any real resolutions.

all i really want is to stay happy. and not get dumped.

(i knocked on wood and im crossing my fingers.)