that song has the worst lyrics I've ever heard but it's stuck in my head.
I feel so conflicted right now. I guess I always come back from durham sick (with the flu)and sick (of my life) but this time was different. I know that c has always maintained that happiness is a state of mind/being but it just never sank in. What if my constant state of unease never leaves me? What if I'll never be satisfied with what I have? I'm scared. This is the worst way to live.
It occurred to me that I'm always looking for change because I don't have any self esteem. I have this devastating need to feel better than everyone around me. I'm always competing and comparing. The only reason I spent time with b in the first place was because I wanted to feel like the best asian. Isn't that ridiculous? I wanted to feel prettier and smarter but in the end, it didn't even work. People get all of his asians mixed up. I'm just one of many. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that the only thing I needed from him was to feel special. I shouldn't have to compete. I need to realize that I am really fucking lucky. I'm independent. I've always accomplished whatever I set out to do and I'm loved by my family.
Things like what school you went to and what job you landed are nothing if you're not ultimately happy with yourself. More than anything, I need to realize that I AM unique. I have really great shoes, a big sincere smile, compassion, little feet, all of my body parts, the ability to start a conversation with any stranger, more than one home, a sister that I can share everything with, and most importantly the freedom of choice.
