im making lists to get my life and mind organized. im always making lists because i spend all of my present looking to the future. but really, what is the future. i want to make a timeline of all my birthdays because i think they're very accurate descriptions of change.
20: justin and ben and beer and yakiniku and bright white sunshine in the morning
19: scott and berry pudding and vomit and karas dress and being sick of my body
18: huge pancakes and weed and ignoring my guests and sleeping on the floor
17: limo and liana and top of waikiki and hotel sheets and getting surprised
16: state fair and ferris wheel and truth and presents and deciding about love
15:
haha i cant remember anything before that. everything has such a weird twist to it. like i dropped my hat and somehow found it. and the more i think about it, i never truly lose anything. except for well travis. and i was just thinking about travis, how he was untainted and sincere and i should have loved him more. and then i get a text message : "godd. i love you so muchhhh. you're the best thing to happen to meeee since art" wow. and overlooking the silly spelling, its like something or someone above is always throwing these curveballs at me. like last year, i would just be ready to move on, and then i would get a text message like that. every single time. so whos psychic? what do these signs mean? what am i supposed to say back? i dont know. i want to say something like I NEED YOU. I WANT YOU. I WANT TO SNEAK INTO YOUR BED AND WAKE YOU UP EVERY MORNING. EVERY SINGLE MORNING UNTIL THERE ARE NO MORE MORNINGS LEFT AND 2012 SWALLOWS US AND OUR SINS. but even that would be inadequate. even words, the roots of my being, are not enough to describe anything.
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